stoned

one moment ago i felt melancholic.

now i feel blank and stoned. i've been staring at the blank screen for awhile.

feel a little torn between myself, and the surroundings around me. what do i really want? what do i really want to be? what kind of person i am? i don't really know. most people would say that your surroundings would determine the kind of person you are. but what happens when you're always changing the surroundings? lets say, changing sets of friends every few hours. i don't seem to have a fixed group or clique to belong to. u and i both know that it's called socialising and expanding your network, but this has really made me feel lost.

even my group of friends are very different from one another. one group may be the quiet and goody goody group, and the other would be the total opposite. well i'm caught in between. am i considered goody goody, or a wildchild? i really don't understand. i've really been trying to find my identity ever since i left kdu. things hasn't gone really well for me. perhaps i'm still lost, and there's still a long way for me to go. i really don't know.

you would probably ask me, "with whom do you feel happy with?". i can't really answer that. i love doing dangerous shit, i love feeling safe. two contradicting things right? i really do not know. it depends on my mood actually. but recently i think i'm leaning more towards the dangerous shit part. =)

i suddenly have a craving for booze so badly.

where's the passion when it's needed the most? when i had passion, it wasn't a burden at all to do anything. even practising the piano or anything like that. now i don't really have the passion to do anything at all. there's like something missing in my life but i don't know what.

what does it take to feel alive?